Adult Education

Every time I make a mistake in speaking Japanese I blush bright red, get flustered and fill with self-loathing. Anytime some one chuckles at my mistake, as funny as it may be, or shows even a hint of condescension as they correct me, I mentally ball my fist and prepare to hurl it with all my might at some one's face. These are not helpful attitudes for learning.

If there is one thing I've realised about myself, or made up to avoid making too much effort, it's that I am an "organic" learner. I learn through absorption and being confronted by situations that force me to find solutions. The hard way, figuring out my own solutions and tactics, helps me internalise lessons and become comfortable enough to use them again later without hesitation and relatively naturally. The upside of this, if I take my life long battle with French as an example, is that once I've come to my own solution it is so fully absorbed that I can sound rather natural when speaking, or so I've been told. The downside, apart from being a very slow process, is that, because I've never properly studied French, I have only the two or, if lucky three, ways of saying anything that I was able to become comfortable using. Fortunately, most people are not particularly adept at manipulating their own language so that my limitations mostly go unnoticed. I may not always be articulate but I always make myself understood. Unlike in English, where poetic eloquence spurts from my brain via my mouth like mayonnaise out of a super soaker.

I'm at the point in my Japanese language acquisition where I can understand most everyday or personal questions and respond appropriately but with limited detail. I can handle very simple business interactions, such as making various reservations, as well as any conversation where the context is very clear and words I don't understand can be easily guessed. ("Please hand me the XXXXX" said pointing at the vegetable peeler) . I'm well on my way to becoming functionally illiterate.

My friend Matt, who speaks Japanese quite well, is of the school that says you should just get out there and make friends, talk to people in bars, find out how to say what you want and say it. It worked for him. There is nothing in my character that suggests that this would work for me.My tendency to think that a stranger is just an asshole you haven't met, coupled with my reluctance to make mistakes that would allow said asshole to feel superior to me for even a second prevent me from doing my learning for all to see. If I may psycho analyze myself for a moment, or to put it another way, point out some things in my childhood in order to justify my short comings as an adult, growing up in Jonquiere and hardly speaking French may hold some clues to my current situation. 

I can think of a couple of people, maybe hockey team mates, who wanted to hang out with me despite my language limitations but I'm sure my general distrust and resentment put the breaks on what should have been a good opportunity. So mostly what I'm left with are the negative experiences of trying to learn French as a child and teenager in hostile territory. I won't use this chance to list every slight, real or imagined, but I'd like to site a few examples. One thing I learned is that, apparently, mistaking a masculine noun for a feminine noun, or vice versa, is HILARIOUS! Although, I've never found someone making a similar mistake in English to be particularly amusing, this may be a result of cultural differences. I also remember shopping with my mother and being pointed at, glared at, and on occasion openly insulted, for speaking with her in English. Worse than that was seeing how my mother, who made a lot of effort to learn French, going to lessons and and actually studying, was treated. People would be either genuinely confused by someone whose accent was different from theirs or  would intentionally refuse to listen to what she was saying because of her less than perfect pronunciation. I mean, I would be standing beside her and I could understand perfectly what she was saying but she had to repeat herself over and over as if she was the one who was in the wrong. There was little reward for all her effort.

Lastly, is something small that I guess in the end turned out to be a positive experience. I was about fifteen years old and my parents went to Jamaica on holiday leaving me and my brother at home alone. I remember finding out how to say Jamaica in French so I could tell my hockey team mates what was going on with me. I can't remember if I was expecting questions or if I was feeling unusually friendly. I told a couple of guys where my parents had gone and they looked at me like I was an idiot. "Where?" Oh no, I thought I may be saying it wrong so I repeated myself. I was still met with complete bewilderment. Maybe I had learned it wrong. I just went back to tying my skates and the attempted conversation was abandoned. Later I mentioned this to my father and told him how I had said Jamaica. He said I was saying it right but that they just didn't know where or what Jamaica was. It hadn't occurred to me that the problem might not be my French but that it might be that they are ignorant morons. What a relief! I spoke just fine the problem was who I was speaking to. The next year I moved to Montreal where my French suddenly seemed to be just fine and understood by everyone. I quickly improved.

Anyway this sad trip down memory lane was inspired by the fact that I started Japanese lessons again this week. It's my third serious shot at improving and if if the jump in ability is on par with what I experienced the last times, I may very well end up speaking passable Japanese someday. I never wanted or expected to learn another language in my life but it's looking like I my stumble along in my own self defeating and awkward way, baggage and all, into being somewhat competent in a third language. Never would have thought.